If England's Ladies Were Men...

Right, hopefully the whole country is still celebrating it's biggest World Cup qualifier since the men travelled to Holland in 1993. Let's forget about that one though.

Okay it was the Ladies playing but so what? There was place at the World Cup finals at stake, there was no way in through the back door with a play off and we were playing the French.

Let's face it, it was quality. If you didn't notice first time I'll repeat myself, we beat the French.

With the prospect of many people taking an interest in our womens team now, who don't normally pay any attention, Football England has decided to give a sort of beginners guide to the England Ladies Squad.

To help with our profiles of the women we have chosen a male footballer whose style and ability most resembles their own and paired them together to give an instant idea of the type of player they are.

It's a bit like Stars In Your Eyes. Tonight Rachel Unitt you are going to be.....well, you'll just have to wait to find out.

We realise this is controversial. Some women are going to be upset. Some men might be. Some might file law suits.

At the end of it we are going to pay homage to the victorious Ryder Cup team (which included no Frenchmen) by scoring the women against the men in a matchplay sort of manner to see who comes out on top.

Here goes.

Rachel Brown is Paul Robinson.
An obvious one to start with, but not just because they are both England's goalkeeper.
Brown, like Robinson, is not the biggest but is sound positionally, has good hands and is extremely brave. She can be vulnerable at set pieces, however.

Siobhan Chamberlain is David James.
Just like Calamity the back up in the womens' team is capable of the spectacular but also the occasional memorable blunder. Has yet to show the consistency to put Brown under real pressure for her place.

Alex Scott is Kieron Dyer.
Scott is likely to feature at right back against the French but can operate anywhere along the right flank and has also been pressed into service at centre forward.
She has also been injured during her career, though not to the extent of Dyer.
Both players have pace to burn and are happiest going forward. Scott is undoubtedly nastier in the tackle than her male counterpart, however.

Casey Stoney is Stuart Pearce.
Stoney is right sided whereas Pearce was all left foot but they play the game in the same uncomplicated manner.
Strong in the tackle, strong in the air, strong in possession when driving forward from full back and both dangerous from dead ball situations.
Both have fair hair as well and I am seriously worried that they might be one and the same person.
The obvious differences are that Stoney came out on top of the Football England poll to find the best looking player in the England side when we played the French at Ewood Park, something Pearce never managed with the men, and surely Stoney wouldn't be caught dead with a cuddly toy at the footy.

Rachel Unitt is Gareth Barry.
This might seem harsh on the ladies' automatic choice at left back but Barry is a fine player who gets a raw deal in the mens' game.
Both can operate anywhere along the left hand side and both are very dangerous in the opposition half. Powerfully built, both centre well and are a threat in the air when joining the attack.
Both are a little slow turning, however, which is more of an issue in Unitt's case as she actually operates in defence.

Lindsay Johnson is Wes Brown.
Quick, good readers of the game, decent in the air, can play in the centre or at right back but not good enough to force their way into the starting line up.
Am I talking about Johnson or Brown? I'm talking about them both, obviously.
These two can be told apart, however. Only one of them is orange.

Mary Phillip is Rio Ferdinand.
Both like to play with a cigar in their mouth whenever possible but are dependable when called into action.
Both like to sweep up behind a stopper and have the ability to step out of defence and set attacks in motion, though both can accept the easy option a little too, well, easily.
They do tend to perform when it matters, though.

Anita Asante is Graham Roberts.
Stepping back in time to find Asante's doppelganger.
Asante is a midfielder/centre half who doesn't strike you as the worlds' most gifted player but normally proves herself a difficult opponent.
She is also capable of producing a savage tackle or two, just like Roberts was.
This will provide perhaps the most interest to see which player wins in the Ryder Cup challenge as they each represent two warring sections of society; men and women and Tottenham and Arsenal.

Katie Chapman is Nigel Spackman.
England regular Chapman might not be thrilled to be paired with Spackman but Spackers was a good player in his day and won plenty of medals with Liverpool, well, one or two at least.
Both players are strong, competitive midfielders who generally use the ball simply but effectively. They are chiefly there to disrupt the opposition but have the quality to make their mark further forward when the oportunity arises.
Both also have it in them to do a turn at centre half and are the type of players who seldom let you down. Seven out of ten players every week.
Football England also thought Spackers needed a boost this week after being booted out at Millwall.

Fara Williams is Ray "Butch" Wilkins.
It was never going to be easy picking somebody to measure up to Football England favourite Fara Williams and you might think we aren't doing her any favours by going for Wilkins.
We are picking Butch at his best, however, not the crab imposter of later years.
In his youth, when he actually had Fara Williams's hair do, Butch was a lovely player. Silky touch, silky passes, dangerous shooting, quality dead balls and the ability to put his foot into a challenge.
All these things are what Fara is now. Strolling around the midfield dictating play, bursting forward to hunt out a goalscoring opportunity and kicking the crap out of anything that needs kicking in midfield.
Fara is a star, she is The Football England Favourite.

Vicky Exley is Frank Lampard.
Exley is an attack minded midfield player with plenty of energy who doesn't mind having a shot at goal. She has been known to pass, however, and is generally reliable from the penalty spot.

Jill Scott is Carlton Palmer.
I have to apologise to Scott for this one but I couldn't come up with a rangy, attacking midfield player who looks awkward but can be effective so I had to settle for a defensive midfield player who looks awkward and must have been effective once or twice in his long career.
Scott also encourages comparisons with Peter Crouch after adopting his robot celebration thing but she is a midfield player and not a striker so it has to be Carlton.

Kelly Smith is Pele & Maradona.
Kelly Smith is Pele and Maradona all rolled into one but without the Class A drugs and the impotence.
Smith's only weakness is her right foot, she is strong in possession, almost impossible to knock off the ball, always looks to commit defenders and go for goal and has a tremendous shot in her left foot.
The two South Americans should be humbled to be mentioned in the same breath.

Karen Carney is Joe Cole.
Are they wingers or are they midfield players? They both have the ability to do both jobs effectively at the highest level.
Both are natural dribblers whose team awareness is improving all the time and who are perfectly capable of scoring goals as well as providing for others. Players who genuinely excite the crowd.

Rachel Yankey is John Barnes.
Capable of absolute brilliance but possibly guilty of not producing their best for England. Both have great dribbling skills but can leave the onlooker frustrated.
Both offer a goalscoring threat and can be effective when joining in through the middle.

Sue Smith is Pat Nevin.
Impish little sprite type wingers, jinking away in a manner the purist would delight in and both capable of finding the net as well as putting over the killer cross.
Smith is far, far better as a TV pundit, however, while Pat would kill for that hair do.

Jody Handley is Dirk Kuyt.
I think this is a good one. Handley and Kuyt are both good all round forwards, proficient in every aspect of the strikers trade without being truly exceptional in any.
Both are busy, willing runners with good pace, decent in the air but operating mainly on the deck. Both know where the net is without being true poachers.
Both play on Merseyside though one is red and the other a bluenose. Could be a bloodbath in their Ryder Cup singles match up.

Amanda Barr is Francis Jeffers.
Both these players looked cut out for bigger things as they moved to big clubs early in their careers but are now trying to re-establish themselves at less fashionable clubs. In fact they are now both at Blackburn Rovers.
At least Barr gets a game for the Ladies, however.
Similarly built, they are stealthy, slim strikers who look to operate on the shoulders of the last defender.
Both have still to prove that they can be effective at the highest level but with Barr among the goals in the Womens Premier League she can at least lay claim to the title Fox In The Box for the time being.

Eniola Aluko is Jermain Defoe.
When Defoe is on form he is just like the pacy, quicksilver Aluko.
Always looking to turn sharply away from bigger defenders and get shots away and eager to profit from balls over the top with their electric pace these two are peas from the same pod.
Both can produce the spectacular as well and while they are prepared to go out wide and join in the approach play they are happiest, and at their best, when sniffing around the box in search of goals.

Lianne Sanderson is Wayne Rooney.
Two precocious talents. Both these players have just about everything but are used to most advantage operating a roving role in behind the striker.
Despite being forwards by nature both Rooney and Sanderson have an instinctive awareness and understanding of everything around them, can see passes earlier than most and have the ability to shred defences with their passing.
Likewise they share the ability to score spectacular goals, are bullishly strong but have a delicacy of touch which belies their powerful build.
If anything Sanderson looks more ungainly than Rooney when standing still, with her shirt falling out of her shorts and her socks looking far too small. When she starts to move, however, nothing can disguise the grace of a natural footballer.

The Showdown.

This is how Football England rates these players head to head, man aginst woman.

The scoring is done in the manner of the Ryder Cup singles matches. The contests can end up All Square if there is nothing to choose between the players, there can be a narrow victory by 1 hole or 2 and 1 if there is little to choose between them and the game has gone down to the last green or there can be a 10 and 8 landslide if the game is over just after the turn.

Who will prevail, the men or the women?

1; Rachel Brown and Paul Robinson; All Square
Both players par every hole.

2; Siobhan Chamberlain and David James; Calamity wins by 1 hole
Calamity recovers from being two down at the turn to win on the last hole after drowning his caddie at the 10th over a yardage dispute.

3; Alex Scott and Kieron Dyer; Scott wins by walkover
Dyer retires injured at the 4th hole after breaking both his wrists trying to fire out of deep rough.

4; Casey Stoney and Stuart Pearce; All Square
Both players are so scared of each other that they concede each others tee shots on every hole and the game is halved.

5; Rachel Unitt and Gareth Barry; Unitt wins 2 & 1
Unitt's extra length of the tee is crucial.

6; Lindsay Johnson and Wes Brown; Brown wins 3 & 2
Lindsay Johnson is tangoed by the bandit that is Wesley Brown.

7; Mary Phillip and Rio Ferdinand; Ferdinand wins 2 & 1
Ferdinand scrapes victory having chipped in from bunkers on every hole.

8; Anita Asante and Graham Roberts; Roberts wins by 1 hole
It comes down to a putting contest on the last and Roberts holds his nerve with a testing six footer.

9; Katie Chapman and Nigel Spackman; Chapman wins 3 & 2
Spackers never recovers after taking 27 at the first hole while Chapman has the best fairways and greens in regulation stats of anyone.

10; Fara Williams and Ray "Butch" Wilkins; Williams wins 6 & 5
"Butch" just cannot come to terms with the all round game of Fara Williams. "No weaknesses" the crab is heard to utter as he shuffles self consciously into the clubhouse for several quarts of gin.

11; Vicky Exley and Frank Lampard; All Square
An amazing half with neither player seeming to grasp the concept of chipping and putting and preffering to use drivers for every shot.

12; Jill Scott and Carlton Palmer; Scott wins 3 & 2
Carlton Palmer's going to be as good at golf as he was at football and swimming.

13; Kelly Smith and Maradona/Pele; Smith wins 2 & 1
Even with the two South Americans being allowed to play better ball Smith proves too strong, clocking up the longest driving yardage of all the competitors.

14; Karen Carney and Joe Cole; All Square
Lots of wristy little chips and bump and run type shots. Peter Alliss is loving this match.

15; Rachel Yankey and John Barnes; Barnes wins by 1 hole
Digger Barnes, it's just like him. Wins the last two holes to claim victory although his triumph is marred by claims that Yankey was distracted by some substandard rapping on the 17th green.

16; Sue Smith and Pat Nevin; Smith wins 2 & 1
Just a poor mans' version of game 14 really.

17; Jody Handley and Dirk Kuyt: Handley wins 2 & 1
Kuyt has no concept of golf and his insistence on leaving the head covers on his clubs also seems to have an adverse effect on his efforts.

18; Amanda Barr and Franny Jeffers; Barr wins 3 & 2
Barr doesn't cover herself in glory after only winning 3 & 2 against a man who fails to make contact with the ball at any stage of his round.

19; Eniola Aluko and Jermain Defoe; Aluko wins 4 & 3
Both these players refuse to take shots until the ball is on the green and let their caddies play from the tee. Aluko's putting is sharper than Defoe's.

20; Lianne Sanderson and Wayne Rooney; All Square
Rooney makes an astonishing comeback to grab a half after Sanderson goes dormie five up with five to play. The fightback co-incides with Rooney snapping all his clubs bar the 7 iron after a violent argument with his caddie, his brother.

Final Score: England Ladies 12.5 points England Men 7.5 points

Well done ladies, you have prevailed fair and square in the most objective, scientific study ever done into men and womens' football.