Football Chat Archive - October 2006

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Percy - Football Chat - Wednesday, October 4
Neil Warnock; Stereotypical Yorkshireman?

It's funny that I've never noticed it before but are Neil Warnock's arms just far too short?

The length of Warnock's arms was about the only thing keeping me interested during Saturday's televised game against Middlesbrough.

I thought they looked a bit stunted and then when Jagielka scored his last minute winner and Warnock went off on a little celebratory dance, arms aloft, they barely cleared his head.

Maybe that's why you never see him wearing a hat. I wonder if his wife ties his shoelaces for him.

Now I know Yorkshiremen are traditionally supposed to be tight but Warnock is taking the the concept of "short arms, deep pockets" just a little bit too far.

Another bit of anatomy capturing my attention at the weekend was Joey Barton's bum. Now don't worry, I hadn't taken any notice of it at all until he bared it to the world, and more specifically the Everton fans, at the weekend.

It's good to see Man City have received letters from some Everton supporters saying they should not punish Barton and taking issue with the Evertonians who complained about his little moon, which was somewhat two faced given the terrible abuse Barton was taking throughout the game.

I'm not against fans giving stick out but they should not then come on all holier then thou if a player gives a little back. In fact I think those who complained have a real bare faced cheek.

The most worrying aspect of the weekend was Wayne Rooney's alleged threat not to shave again until he scores.

At the moment that day looks like it might be a while coming and Wayne really is going to be a disturbing sight if he goes through with his threat and cultivates a ghastly gingerish growth all over his face.

Imagine if he went all Garry Birtles on it and didn't score for United until they get to play Swansea City, that could be in twenty years time.

He'll never be able to score by then, he'll keep tripping over his awful ginger beard.

The best game of the weekend was definitely England's women drawing in France and thereby qualifying for the World Cup finals at their expense.

Nailbiting stuff, I was hiding behind the sofa at one stage but the less said about the French centre forward the better.

Fair play to the girls, it's been a fantastic effort and it was especially nice to see their celebrations and listen to their interviews afterwards.

Their joy was just so natural and honest. There was obviously nothing in their minds' except the realisation of what they had achieved. It's not often you see footballers in that light these days.

Let's hope the women can keep up their progress. After all we can now look forward to another major tournament this summer instead of having to wait, hopefully, until 2008 and the men.

Norbert - Football Chat - Thursday, October 5
He does get carried away, doesn't he?

Hello folks, I've not been around for a while, so apologies for that, but I just thought that my pal Percy needed a bit of a reality check.

Seems he's been doling out his own brand of advice to our Womens Football reporter of late.

At the end of our match report of the last England Ladies game (read it here), our reporter informs us that "Percy Piranhafish is always reminding me that the first rule of defending is to stay on your feet".

Perhaps someone has been telling Percy recently this pearl of wisdom, and perhaps he is now beginning to believe it, but having played in the same team as the fool I can assure you that this was right at the bottom of his list of footballing qualities.

Percy always preferred the launch yourself three feet off the deck as if fired out of a cannon approach to tackling, and has been the perpetrator of some of the most heinously savage "tackles" ever witnessed in the North of England.

Mick Mills was positively upright in comparison.

I must admit that I too did have one or two problems with staying on my feet, but that was generally just because I was clumsy and used to fall over a lot.

Anyway, on to an observation that PP made below.
Wayne Rooney is not becoming Gary Birtles, he is in fact becoming Peter Withe, as proved by this photo of the bearded one in his Newcastle kit.

This should at least give Man Utd fans a bit of a lift as Withe did actually go on to score the winning goal in a European cup final. Hee Hee, Gary Birtles...

Percy - Football Chat - Sunday, October 8
Not Much To Smile About

Right, well I've read the small print on my contract and this page is supposed to offer a light hearted sort of look at English football.

That being the case I will have to limit my discussion on yesterdays' England game to what happened before the game actually kicked off. There was nothing much to laugh about once the game got under way.

Except for Gary Neville's miss of course and being English, and with the game at 0-0, it wasn't easy to laugh about that either. Although I still had to, to be honest.

The first point of note on the afternoon was when Garth Crooks crawled out of Steve McClaren's backside to ask him the question, with all the grave solemnity with which you might expect a President of the United States to be asked why he had pushed his little red button, why he had preferred Ledley King to Jamie Carragher.

I answered that question before McClaren did. "Because he's miles frigging better Garth, you freaking imbecile."

McClaren had to pause before answering this one and I'm assuming that's because he was fighting the temptation to say exactly that.

They were stood in the tunnel having their little chat, Garth and Steve, and that tunnel reminded me of the tunnel Tim Robbins crawled through to escape from prison in The Shawshank Redemption.

That tunnel was full of shite which is appropriate for Crooks who spends his life covered in human faeces, so far up the bottom of his interviewees does he endeavour to sidle.

Someone also needs to tell Garth that simply bulging his eyes out an even greater distance does not make a question any more profoundly insightful.

The next thing to irritate me was the stupid little pointless children who come out with the players.

What purpose does that serve? I'd do away with the stupid handshakes before the start as well.

It's all so phoney. It doesn't mean anything, it doesn't foster a feeling of respect and admiration between the players. It is simply something they have to go through before they get down to booting lumps off each other.

If FIFA want to introduce something with more real meaning then they should make the players do that sort of thing after the game.

It is at the end of sporting contests that competitors traditionally show real emotions and naturally display admiration and respect for their opponents, which has been earned in the heat of battle.

Think of Pele and Bobby Moore, think of Andrew Fintoff and Brett Lee, think of Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed.

These gestures will live forever in the minds of the sporting public because they were genuine reactions to magnificent contests.

Nobody pays any attention to these pointless pre-match rituals which are just forced on the participants by a governing body who think that having 7 year old children walking out with the players cleanses their sport of all evil.

One of the little bastards pretended to fire a bow and arrow at the camera as the anthems were being sung as well.

Countries are in danger of being booted out of the competition if their fans whistle while a rival anthem is being sung yet FIFA positively encourage the presence of miniature Robin Hood's disrespecting the Macedonia anthem.

God, it's a sick and twisted world.

By the way, if FIFA are serious about cleaning up footballs' image I think they should get hold of that brat and put him in front of a firing squad.

Chubby little turd he was too. It's always the same isn't it? They always come out later in life saying they were bullied as kids and that their childhood was miserable but it's the fatties who have pity taken on them and are allowed to walk out with the England team and then disgrace themselves and the nation by firing invisible arrows into our living rooms.

I'll bet he ate Old Trafford dry of snack size snickers as well.

The last thing I remember thinking before the game drove me into a semi coma was that the Macedonia manager was Rob Brydon and that our substitutes bench was absolute crap.

Finally, away from the England team, I notice that Bournemouth were turned down by Les Ferdinand this week. This is the first time I've ever read a story about Les where he actually turned someone down.

Percy - Football Chat : Wednesday, October 11
Memo To Steve McClaren

Just a couple of points Steve. There's nothing wrong with 5-3-2 but play Wes Brown before Jamie Carragher. Wes can run, Jamie can't and if Jamie and John Terry are at the back together the lack of pace becomes a real problem.

Secondly, Wayne Rooney and Peter Crouch both need a player alongside them who runs beyond defenders. You might not want to pick Defoe or Bent but they would make us better balanced.

Just stick Daddylonglegs back on the bench in case of emergency, where he was always supposed to be in the first place, and pick one of those two to partner Rooney.

Percy - Football Chat : Saturday, October 14
No Fans And No History

I don't really want to go out of my way to upset the people who now support Wigan Athletic, especially as we have already had complaints to this site about us mentioning things that are intrinsically linked with the town, but I was intrigued by one question asked on Sky Sports this afternoon.

I had just watched Manchester United win at Wigan in a really good game and I have to admit that when I wasn't watching United pummel the Wigan goal I was stood there wondering how Wigan managed to have so many empty seats.

When Paul Jewell was interviewed afterwards the bloke from Sky did mention the crowd and, although I could not hear exactly what Jewellio said, I got the feeling that the Wigan boss was a bit pissed off. And rightly so.

In my opinion, however, Jewell had two responses which really would have summed up the situation.

One would have been to say, "Yes, our ground was empty and so are all the others you go to with your cameras," and the other would have been to launch into the classic football anthem I have heard Preston North End fans amuse themselves with from time to time "Wigan, whoever you may be, You've got no fans and no history, You're a rugby town, that's all you'll ever be, We are the famous PNE."

He'd have had to change the last line of course but it's not hard to do that and make it relevant to whoever you may be.

"Latics" fans now like to try and crow about the football team at the expense of the rugby league team but I think there's little doubt that if Paul Jewell had selected Joe Lydon today instead of Paul Scharner then the ground would have been packed.

Or they could have just given United another stand.

Percy - Football Chat : Thursday, October 19
Thierry Henry; World's Worst Liar?

Couple of things to chat about from the midweek European action.

Firstly, and let's just get this one out of the way quickly, Wayne Rooney captain of Manchester United? Ridiculous.

I can sort of understand Ferguson's thinking (which is always a scary admission) but Rooney is not captain material and should simply be left to play his football at this moment in time even if he was.

More importantly we have the Thierrygate issue. Or Henrygate if you prefer. Or if you want to go the whole hog Thierryhenrygate.

Arsenal's gifted French superstar had a goal disallowed late on in the game in Moscow and was frankly pretty damn miffed about the situation.

On and on he went about it, babbling like a baby, with his well honed baby's bottom lip routine well to the fore.

He told the referee he was wrong, he told the linesman, he told the opposition, he told his teammates and then, after the game was over, he told the rest of the world during his interview.

Now Thierry is a clever sort of a bloke. He makes sure he is seen to be honest and above board just often enough so that when he wants to complain about something that has upset him everyone is immediately on his side because thay think, "He's an honest sort of bloke that Terry Enry, he must be telling the truth."

Never had his technique worked so well as the other night. The bloke interviewing him was so concerned about how upset Thierry was after being so badly treated by the big, bad referee that I thought he was going to let him stay up an hour later and have a double helping of ice cream.

Even I was beginning to believe him. Especially as he had, in top lawyer fashion, managed to unearth video evidence that seemed to indisputably confirm that he had been telling the truth all along about not handling the ball.

I could almost hear him para-phrasing Bill Clinton by telling the world "I did not have improper relations with that football."

The trouble is the cunning Henry was just a bit too emotional for his own good and made a fatal slip in his testimony. One that any prosecution attourney worth his salt would pounce on like a ravenous tiger.

In seeking to justify himself further, when he had actually already convinced us all, Henry went on to explain that he hadn't used his arm and decided to let us know just how he had controlled the ball.

He pointed rather indistinctly to a general part of his anatomy and said it had been done with, and I quote, his "belly".

Your belly, Thierry? I'm not sure that's going to stand up in a court of law.

I would be jumping up from behind my desk straight away to cross examine the witness.

"So, Mr. Onreeeee, you controlled the ball with your, and I quote, belly?" asked with such withering sarcasm that the ice cool Frenchman immediately becomes nervous and can't stop a bead of sweat from breaking out over his forehead.

"Oui,"

I'm turning slowly to give the jury a look of complete disdain for this answer.

"Your belly, Mr. Onreeeee? But I put it to you that you don't have a belly. In fact I put it to you that you have never had a belly."

The Frenchman is sweating now like a fatman waiting at his table at Harry Ramsdens.

"I notice this alleged belly is not among the other exhibits for the defence. I challenge Mr. Onreeee to produce such an item now for the jury to examine."

The female members of the jury at this point start leaning forward for a better view of Mr. Onreeeee's belly but, of course, he is not able to provide one and as they slump back in their chairs groaning in disappointment I know the guilty verdict is assured.

Turning with the smuggest air of satisfaction possible to the judge I inform him that, "The prosecution rests M'Lud," and return to my seat safe in the knowledge that the Frenchman is going down and the worlds' greatest confidence trickster has been unmasked.

If Arsene Wenger wants players who can get away with handballs by blaming their belly he should sign me, or better still Norbert.

(on a serious note, that was one bad decision.)

Norbert - Football Chat : Thursday, October 19
Comic book heroes

I read with great interest our Football League Championship reporter's comments this week, and although I confess I thought he was losing it a bit when he set off on his "Real Roy of the Rovers" thread it set me thinking about some of the heroes from comic books and who would get in my team.
I can feel a challenge coming on Percy !

I'm not sure Racey's getting in my team though. He always seemed to be a bit too nice for me and a bit of a soft arse. Give me Hotshot Hamish any day.
I'm sure this is not the last we'll hear of this.

Anyway, Blackburn managed to actually win a game in Europe last night. Is it Preston Guild this year?

One thing made me laugh after watching a pretty shite game of football was David Bentley being interviewed after the match.

I think he was getting carried away with the enormity of the achievement in beating Wisla Krakow 2-1 by throwing into the conversation at least 4 times that "It's very difficult to come to places like this and get a result".

Come on David. I know you've not been on many outings overseas, but Wisla Krakow - sounds more like a firework than a football team.

If you start bigging up the Eastern Europeans like that there's likely to be one or two challenging you for a first team place next year. If Hughesie's been playing Championship Manager lately, you might even be on the bench with Pawel Brozek starting.

Have you ever noticed over the years how some of the quality players from Champ Manager have found their way over here to play in our leagues. This may not be a coincidence. I reckon the scouts must play it as well.

Helder Postiga is definitely one that springs to mind. Surely there must be many others. If you can remember any quality performers from the computer game that mysteriously ended up playing over here, let us know.

If Stuart Pearce suddenly produces an untried Icelandic by the name of Sigporrson, we'll know why.

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