Sunday, November 6th, 2005. - *Go here for Todays Football Chat*
The Sage Of Albert Square
First message to Norbert this week is, "Who's this Minty fella?" Never heard of him in my life and here he is on his first day in the job (see Football Betting Page) bringing home a trixie or some such thing. I'd leave it a couple of weeks before you jump on the bandwagon though, just in case.
Personally I'd like to see a different Albert Square character each week doing the predictions. I'm sure Kat Slater knows a thing or two about Yankees and Canadians.
Anyway Minty was certainly right about one thing. Getting correct scores is bloody hard work.
For example one of my picks yesterday was Fulham 3 City 1. So it ended 2-1 and I thought it was just another near miss. Then I watched Match of the Day, however.
When David James trotted upfield in the last minute and immediately played a killer through ball to half the Fulham side I immediately remembered my bet. How had they not scored?
Imagine my horror as I watched the six man overlap play the ball perfectly through to Thomas Radzinski only for him to lob his shot into the Bermuda Triangle rather than the goal.
What a prick. I'm thinking of sending him a bill for the £7.40 I would have collected.
Also on the subject of Match of the Day I'm thinking of voting for Danny Mills's magnificent effort against Everton as the goal of the month. What do you reckon Norbert?
The good thing about correct scores is you can usually have a good laugh at them when someone else picks them, especially Norbert with his strange obsession with 4-2.
Minty gave us all one yesterday with his 3-2 Leeds Utd shout against PNE
made worse by his Eddie Lewis to score first gaffe.
Minty, I have it on very good advice that Eddie could never get past Graham Alexander in training and apparently that was the case again yesterday. There's only one winner in soccer when America take on Scotland.
Talking of winners, Tony Blair just had one of those days when he went on Football Focus yesterday. His unsung heroes were Malbranque, Sheringham and De Zeeuw. Bizarre I know but they didn't let him down on the day.
In fact after Malbranque and Sheringham had scored the first goal in their games I seriously considered nipping down the bookies and having a punt on De Zeeuw to do likewise in the evening game. Fortunately I stayed in and watched Strictly Come Dancing instead.
Not as bad an option as you might think. Dennis Taylor....Jesus, and Fiona Phillips looking strangely sexy, I wouldn't have thought it possible.
Still as Thomas Radzinski in front of an open goal will tell you, anything's possible.
Of course it was the start of the FA Cup and there were a few shocks, I suppose.
Congrats to Tamworth and Burscough, especially the guy who scored the first for Tamworth if he meant that close range lob with more right hand side than Denis Taylor can get on a cue ball.
Highlight of course had to be Leamington, keeping it real for the non-leaguers with a 9-1 drubbing in which they scored the goal of the game and also gave us a cup favourite, the pitch invasion.
Only one man and his blow up doll and brought down crudely by a steward just inside the penalty area. He could have made good his bid for freedom if he hadn't stopped by the touchline to pick up and replace his Campo frightwig. Didn't want to blow his cover, obviously.
Best news of the day for Norbert was definitely Bristol City's abject home defeat to League Two Notts County. At least now they can concentrate on the league Norbert.
Norbert - November 8th
Hair raising stuff
I'm still in a state of shock after this weekends football, especially the Man Utd v Chelsea fixture. Not for the fact that someone has finally beaten the seemingly invincible blues, or the fact that a disturbed individual has voted "No" 20 times in the great Peter crouch debate. No, something far more spine tingly, blood curdlingly, freakishly heinous than that.
Wes Browns hair.
Wesley, give that big orange nugget a shake and get that syrup cut immediately! You look like a slag out of the Sweeney.
We all know that footballers sometimes have lapses in the tonsural department, but this looks like some of the older boys have led poor vulnerable Wesley astray. Yes Rio, you must be a candidate - it might have been funny at the time, but just stop it now! - You've gone too far.
Nice to see the mysterious Minty making a winning start to his football betting page. Keep up the good work.
Last night Spurs found out that it might not be as easy as it seems to be an Arsenal or Man Utd. Or perhaps Bolton showed us why Big Sam is so highly rated. Either way, it tends towards previous years when teams have struggled to come out of the pack & sustain a challenge throughout a season. I for one think Spurs will be in the mix for the Champions league, but only time will tell.
F.A Cup fever is upon us again. Watched the Chasetown v Oldham Athletic fixture in the pub and enjoyed the game. Just what you'd expect from the first round. One observation though, I lost count of the number of times the commentary team referred to the sell out crowd, "they could have sold out 10 times over" e.t.c...
Why then, in watching on telly, were there more trees visible than people, and when cameras turned to the crowd, people were wandering unimpeded in swathes of muddy terrace. Strange that, perhaps the safety boys got a bit excited with this one. Were you there? Could you ahve fitted another 1,000 or so on? - Let us know.
Norbert - November 13th
Well, what can I say?
Thats more like it, see what we can do when we get a bit more adventurous Sven? Although you did set off to get lots of men behind the ball as per usual.
Did anyone notice that the England boys were more up for it than usual? I wonder why? Could it be we knew we'd have to raise our game?
This takes me back to the last 2 major tournaments England have been in - when on the point of winning the damn thing Sven decided to adopt a cautious approach against sides that were afraid of our attacking ability. Yes, that does mean Brazil.
One thing you have to learn from this Svennis is that fortune favours the brave, so attack, score goals, put the shits up em and just let Rooney have the ball.
The boy wonder was nothing less than sublime yesterday, even though he was double & treble marked at times. This boy is the business and the higher the level he plays at, the better he gets. Even Pele thinks he's better than Nicky Butt!
Kudos to little Michael, who's not been my favourite person over the years. One thing is for sure - he knows where the back of the net is, and more importantly, he does it when it matters.
Did we deserve to win? Probably not, I thought Argentina played well enough, especially in the centre of the park to get at least a draw - but who cares?
One enduring picture I will take away from the game is that of Peter Crouch sprawled face down in the box, while Michael wheels away in celebration of his headed winner. So White men can jump - just not if the names Crouch.
I can honestly say that I hope that is my last enduring memory of a newly born foal in an England shirt.
Percy- Sunday, November 13.
What Can I Do Today?
Well done England
, fantastic viewing yesterday afternoon, but the performance still leaves us with one, crucial unanswered question.
What the hell do I do this afternoon now there's no footy on the telly?
Surely somebody somewhere should have thought of this beforehand. Another example of the "man in the street" being forgotten. Or, more precisely, "the man in the street who wants to be in the pub watching the footy" being forgotten.
Anyway, there's still plenty to talk about I suppose.
There's always something going on at Old Trafford isn't there? This week we've had the bugs in the dressing room fiasco.
No-one will say what type of bugs they were though. I hope they weren't cockroaches. God, I used to hate them at the baths when I was a kid. It's no wonder I can't swim.
What I want to know is, do they do stadium tours at Kettering Town? If they do I want someone to get in there and plant a bug in the home dressing room now.
Forget Fergie, I'd pay good money to listen to one of Gazza's team talks.
Was interested to see West Ham give Alan Pardew a 5 year contract last week as reward for a couple of victories so far this season.
Good work Pards, at least you're guaranteed a massive pay out when things go wrong and the Upton Park faithful are demanding your head again.
Seriously though, if you're a Hammer are you happy? I'd love to know.
Before I go any further I'd better remind myself not to mention Bristol City to Norbert again after their latest defeat, this time to bottom of the league Swindon Town.
Be nice to Norbert, Perce, think of a cliche. Yes, that's the one, "It's a marathon not a sprint." Remember that one next time you see him.
Talking of Norbert, I wonder if he's been on the Womens Football page recently. If he has I must congratulate him on resisting the temptation to comment on the players who did not make it in time for their games last weekend.
Glad we didn't get any of Norbert's old chestnuts about "doing their hair in the mirror" or "women driver" comments.
And if Norbert can rise above such things Percy Piranhafish certainly can.
Finally, good luck to England's women as they prepare for their vital World Cup qualifier in Holland next Thursday.
Should be a tough one and the girls will have to be at their best but lets hope the feelgood factor carries on a little bit longer.
One piece of advice for Hope Powell as she plots a famous victory; if the plane leaves at nine, Hope, tell the players it leaves at eight.
Ouch! Below the belt.
Percy- Tuesday, November 15.
Who's Obsessed With Rachel Unitt?
Had genuinely no idea there were games on the tele on Sunday but found out just in time to enjoy the Blackpool Scunthorpe game in the urbane company of Mr. Wartle.
It was good to see Ian Morris impressing in front of a nationwide audience.
I've always liked Morris since signing him for Leyton Orient on Championship Manager a couple of years ago.
God almighty he banged some goals in as I led the O's from fourth division to European Champions and Morris was with me every step of the way. Jerome Thomas helped too.
I was actually lucky to get to the pub in time to catch the game as we had to wait until Norbert could be persuaded to postpone his attempts to download a Rachel Unitt wallpaper onto his computer.
Scary, I know, but true. And he says I'm obsessed with her.
Should have mentioned my surprise about the Scotland United States friendly this weekend.
When I made my flippant comment last week about Scotland being the only winners if the teams were to meet I had no idea the two were actually playing each other a week later.
As it happens the game actually demonstated the real truth of the situation, when Scotland and America meet at soccer there are no winners.
Last comment must go to the under 21's as they prepare to meet France in their play off second leg tonight.
I certainly wish them luck, they might need some after Friday's draw, but am a little disturbed about the incentive scheme employed at this level.
After the debate about whether the senior squad should earn bonusses for the World Cup it was shocking to hear Peter Taylor has offered his players the promise of a Norman Wisdom impression should they qualify at the expense of the French.
Does this actually count as an incentive? It's a pity my colleague Norbert just missed out on the squad, an abundance of years and lack of talent being the reasons, as he for one would be keen to earn the bonus.
His obsession with Wisdom is almost on a par with his obsession with Rachel Unitt.
Norbert - Weds, November 16.
Mr Grimsdale
So Perce, you think that isn't an incentive? An impersonation of Norman Wisdom by Peter Taylor, I'd be happy with that any day.
Come to think of it - why not get the real Sir Norman to come in and impersonate himself, I'm sure he can stil pull it off. Ill fitting suit, cap slightly askew & a pratfall down the stairs - no problem for Norm. I assume it would be a bit like watching Peter Crouch. (Sir Norman Wisdom is 90 years old).
Come to think of it though, the FA probably can't afford him having promised all their loot to our poor underprivileged millionairre footballers.
Ah the good old football league. Short of something to do last Sunday so looked at the fixtures & lo and behold footy on telly. Blackpool v Scunny - an obvious classic.
So, off to the pub with Perce to watch it. (yes I did download a Rachel Unitt screensaver & it is quality). What a cracking game packed with goals, (the last 1 by Morris was world class) & incidents.
The incidents I refer to are Moriss's goal celebrations. If you saw them you might think "nothing going on there" until you take a closer peek. The first of his brace led him to sprint to a sparsely populated part of the home stand, to be greeted by what can only be described as Brian Blessed. 
Watch out for this one - it must be on Soccer AM this Saturday.
This wasn't somebody who looked like him, it was the bearded freak himself.
Something equally bizarre happened in the celebration of the final goal. Morris having gone Norman Whiteside on it decides I'll just be cool here and milk it a bit.
Blackpool team mates rush over to congratulate him, but nothing over the top. Then, all of a sudden out of the home end behind the goal comes a half naked (waist up) comedy Scotsman.
I say comedy Scotsman, but he wasn't trying to be 'funny' know what I mean? I think there's a good chance this was an actual Scottish bloke on his hollies at Blackpool & just decided to drop in to Bloomfiefld Rd after one too many Tennents.
Remember those comedy orange Scots wigs you could get, sometimes they'd be attached to a tartan bonnet of sorts. Well, he had one of those on. Only thing is - this one was real I tells ya. I know there's a lot of Novelty shops in Blackpool but that thing was real.
If you are that man, hang your head in shame. If you know him, send us a picture.
Mr Piranhafish let something out of the bag in his last post. Did you notice how excited he seemed when Morris had played a blinder. No word of a lie, the first thing he said when the goal went in.... "He's quality Ian Morris, I had him when I was managing Orient....blah....blah..."
You're a sad man Percy, Championship Manager is a game it's not real. And there's no such thing as Division Four anymore.
I'm off for a drink. Cheers Sir Norman.
Ciao - Norbert
Percy- Saturday, November 18
Norbert The Black Pot
It's unbelievable really. In fact it's so unbelievable that I can't actually believe it.
Having had to bring to your attention Norbert's double standards regarding me, him and Rachel Unitt in my last post I find myself having to do exactly the same this time around.
The topic in question this time is the "game" championship manager. Fair enough I was happy to see Ian Morris doing well last Sunday but is Mr. Wartle really the man to pick me up on this.
After all his footballing claim to fame remains having "discovered" the Icelandic legend Andri Sigporsson some years ago and if he wants to talk about undue excitement we only have to mantion the names Paul Dillon, Scott Huckerby and Padraig Gollogley to him.
At this moment Norbert I feel like a kettle and you look like a pot and you're calling me black.
Have you no shame?
Anyway, on to more serious matters and Roy Keane's departure from Man U.
I suppose it was becoming inevitable that this departure would end up being a traumatic one and it is a shame that this might take some gloss from an Old Trafford career that has few equals.
Now it will be interesting to see what happens to both parties. Keane, of course, does not actually need to move on in a football sense. He might call time on his illustrious career.
Manchester United, however, most certainly do and it provides Alex Ferguson with his biggest challenge yet as their manager.
The size of the task is obvious given that he has been trying to accomplish it for at least three years already.
He knows he will have to do better than Kleberson, Djemba-Djemba and Liam Miller but still does not seem to know where to turn for Keane's successor.
The name in the frame at the moment is Michael Ballack but I've never regarded him in the Keane mould, a successor for Paul Scholes perhaps but not Keane.
On a happy note I would like to congratulate England's women on their victory in Holland which keeps them very much on track for the world cup finals in China and Rachel Unitt inparticular on winning her 50th cap.
Commiserations to the under 21's on their controversial exit to the French. Perhaps Norbert was right about the Norman Wisdom incentive.
Anton Ferdinand for one seemed very upset at missing out on it.
Finally I'd like to bring up Billie Piper. I've nothing to say about her, especially in connection with football, but if the editor of this site is starting to put pictures on it she must be worth a mention.
Norbert's Football chat - Thursday, November 24
