Euro 2008 Preview

OK, by rights Football England shouldn't have anything to do with Euro 2008, we're not there and the rest of Europe have refused to cancel the event in honour of our memory, but some of you might still be looking forward to them so we are making the effort to give a guide to which team we think the average Englishman should support.

Of course we reserve you the right to make your own mind up, after all, we don't know if you once got magnificent sex on holiday off a hirsute German girl who looked like Nena and if you did you might well want to put the Hun higher up your list than we have them on ours.

Football England's Euro 2008 "Who To Support" Guide

1: Holland odds 12/1

Come on, you've got to love the Dutch, haven't you? They play good football but rarely ever do that well, their fans dress in orange and love to drink and they have those magnificent accents when they speak English. Remember Martin Jol? You've got to love them.

Trouble is this looks like a Dutch squad past it's best, they only just squeezed past Bulgaria in qualifying and they are lined up against Italy and France in the "Group of Death". Rumania are also in that group and they headed Holland's qualifying group so the Orange Men's prospects are not necessarily that good.

reasons for supporting Holland
current player to be in the park: Klaas Jan Huntelaar (great name)
all time icons: Johnny Rep, Arie Haan and Jip Jaap Stam
sex symbol: The chick from 2 Unlimited
fashion musts: Outsize orange replica kit and a set of darts
history: They hate the Germans more than us, remember Frankie RightGuard gobbing into Rudi Voller's hair and the classic moment when Ronald Koeman swapped shirts after the end of their Euro 88 semi final victory in Germany and proceded to simulate an arse wiping episode with said German shirt.

2: Italy odds 6/1

Italy might not seem an obvious team to root for but they generally punch their weight and will probably keep you interested until the latter stages and could end up winning the damn thing.

It would also be sort of trendy to support a nation whose best players play in their own country and haven't hot tailed it over here to cash in on the Premier League gravy train.

Can be slow starters though and that might be a problem in the "Group of Death".

reasons for supporting Italy
current player to be in the park: Fabio Cannavaro
all time icons: Bobby Baggio, Bobby Bettega and Romeo Benetti
sex symbol: Gina Lollobrigida
fashion musts: Giorgio Armani suit and a Ferrari
history: Not great other than their football. Are one nation who aren't fazed at the prospect of taking out the Germans. 1970, 1982 (Marco Tardelli's manic celebration), 2006 etc.

3: Croatia odds 12/1

You should always be up for the team who've knocked you out, unless they're really unpleasant. Croatia are only a small nation but they're proud and fiercely independent and not a bad side to throw in your lot with.

Without Eduardo it's hard to see them making a huge impact but should remain competitive and hard to beat

reasons for supporting Croatia
current player to be in the park: Robert Kovac
all time icons: Davor Suker and Goran Ivanisevic (must have been good at footy as well)
sex symbol: Nina Moric
fashion musts: Ridiculous chequered shirt from competitions past
history: Knocked us out in qualifying. No point being bitter about it.

4: Rumania odds 40/1

Everyone loves an underdog and Rumania drew the shortest of short straws in coming out of the hat with Italy, France and Holland.

Finished above Holland in qualifying as well so could be capable of springing a surprise.

reasons for supporting Rumania
current player to be in the park: Cristian Chivu
all time icons: Gheorghe Hagi (The Maradona of the Carpathians) and Dan PetRescue (or is it the bloke from The X Files?)
sex symbol: Nadia Comaneci
fashion musts: Dyed blonde hair
history: Never done much in footballing terms but always used to come out from behind the Iron Curtain to play some lovely football before getting knocked out. Made us all happy in 1994 by knocking Argentina out of the World Cup.

5: Czech Republic odds 14/1

The Czech Republic have never done anything to offend us so they're quite easy to support but this team does not look as strong as those of the recent past.

In a group containing Portugal and Turkey it will be even easier to be on their side.

reasons for supporting Czech Republic
current player to be in the park: Petr Cech (complete with skull cap)
all time icons: Antonin Panenka, Pavel Nedved.
sex symbol: Hana Mandlikova
fashion musts: A moustache?
history: As Czechoslovakia they remain the last team to beat Germany in a penalty shootout (take a bow Mr Panenka) and they continue to be a highly competitive outfit even without the odd good Slovakian.

6: Russia odds 28/1

Russia's massive and so are their odds. They've got to be worth a bet, haven't they? Unfortunately they only just managed to squeeze past us in qualifying so they can't be that good, can they?

Outsiders in a wide open group so they might be worth a cheeky punt.

reasons for supporting Russia
current player to be in the park: Andrei Arshavin
all time icons: Lev Yashin
sex symbol: Anna Kournikova
fashion musts: Big woolly hat, doesn't matter how hot it is.
history: Did a great job on the Germans in World War II but generally don't do much on the big footy stages. Played some lovely stuff in Euro 88 when they helped send England home with a trio of defeats before losing to Holland in the final.

7: Poland odds 33/1

Germany's long suffering neighbours are easy to support, especially if you have some of them renting a house off you. They are in the same group as the evil Hun as well and, as Kevin Keegan will no doubt testify, we'd all love it if they beat them now.

Finished above Portugal in qualifying but will have their work cut out to get out of their group.

reasons for supporting Poland
current player to be in the park: Euzebiusz Smolarek
all time icons: Kazimierz Deyna, Zbigniew Boniek, Tadeusz Nowak.
sex symbol: Izabella Scorupco
fashion musts: A huge red and white flag to drape all over you
history: Poland have generally been our friends down the years, they knocked us out of the World Cup in 1973 but since then have basically always made sure we got the results we needed at the most critical times so it's ok to root for them now. Especially against those nasty Germans.

8: Austria odds 80/1

Jesus Christ. They're rank outsiders and they're playing at home. They surely get the sympathy vote from us neutrals. If they help put the Germans out at the first hurdle then we really will love them. Remember 1978 boys.

reasons for supporting Austria
current player to be in the park: Andreas Ivanschitz (well of course he does, doesn't everyone?)
all time icons: Hans Krankl, Toni Polster, Franz Klammer, Hans Krankl.
sex symbol: Hedy Lamarr
fashion musts: Probably best to go incognito if supporting the Austrians
history: In 1978 Austria beat West Germany 3-2 in Argentina with the great Hans Krankl (great player, great name) scoring one of the best goals ever. We loved that. In 1982, however, they collaberated quite heinously with the Hun to deny Algeria a possible place in the second round. We've never forgiven them for that.

9: Sweden odds 25/1

You might think Sweden are a good nation to pitch in with but they're generally quite boring to watch, never win anything and refuse to let us beat them at any time. They also possess the most over-rated player ever in Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

They come in at number 9, however, because they will undoubtedly have the best looking fans.

reasons for supporting Sweden
current player to be in the park: Henrik Larsson
all time icons: Henrik Larsson, Tomas Brolin.
sex symbol: Agnetha Fältskog
fashion musts: Replica ABBA outfit, discreet face paint (bit of yellow and blue under the eyes so you look like a Swedish member of Adam and the Ants)
history: The Swedish have a sorry history of never letting England beat them at football but a glorious tradition of producing spectacularly beautiful blonde women so it's a tough call whether you want to love them or hate them. Of course you could hate the football team and love the women, I suppose.

10: Switzerland odds 20/1

Basically a bit non-descript and inoffensive. Nothing to really dislike and, being at home, they might give you a bit of a run for your money.

reasons for supporting Switzerland
current player to be in the park: Philippe Senderos (only joking)
all time icons: Claudio Sulser.
sex symbol: Martina Hingis (or Ursula Andress if you prefer)
fashion musts: A St Bernard (in case you get lost up the Alps and need a brandy)
history: Conscientious objectors. I've been thinking about that and what happens if you invade a nation of conscientious objectors? Do they just hand everything over to you? I might try it next weekend, just roll up in Switzerland, tell everyone I'm an invading army and that I now own the gaffe. There's lots of money in Switzerland as well so it'll be worth my train fare.

11: Greece odds 25/1

You probably aren't going to be too bothered about Greece one way or the other but you can't really want them to win it again or it will just make England's efforts look even more shabby.

Having said that have any defending champions ever been 25/1 before?

reasons for supporting Greece
current player to be in the park: Giorgios Karagounis
all time icons: Giorgos Donis, Nikos Dabizas.
sex symbol: Aphrodite
fashion musts: Laurel leaf crown
history: The defending champions and we were happy enough to see them dispose of the French and the Portuguese after we'd been knocked out.

12: Spain odds 6/1

I suppose plenty of Liverpool and Arsenal supporters will be up for Spain because of their Spanish connections but surely it is better to have another country that is always supposed to do well but never does as well as ourselves?

reasons for supporting Spain
current player to be in the park: Sergio Ramos
all time icons: Emilio Butragueno (The Vulture), Andoni Goikoetxea (The Butcher of Bilbao).
sex symbol: Has there ever been a good looking Spanish woman? Arantxa Sanchez Vicario?
fashion musts: Ku Klux Klan outfit.
history: Always expected to do well, very rarely do.

13: Portugal odds 8/1

Will again have their English supporters, especially United and Chelsea fans, but they keep knocking us out on penalties and are a devious bunch so they don't get my vote.

Hope someone steps on Carvalho's bollocks again even though Rooney won't be there to do it.

reasons for supporting Portugal
current player to be in the park: Quim
all time icons: Eusebio, Paulo Futre.
sex symbol: The chick Colin Firth taps off with in Love Actually. I don't know if she's really Portuguese but she's playing someone Portuguese and she's really fit.
fashion musts: Tub of Biactol (sorry, thinking of Ronaldo again).
history: Beat us in 1986 and now keep knocking us out on penalties. And no, Manchester United fans, Ronaldo doesn't make England look shite, he just fits very snugly into Ashley Cole's pocket.

14: France odds 8/1

It's hard to believe that France aren't last in this list but there are two teams we'll have to support them against if they end up playing them.

reasons for supporting France
current player to be in the park: Franck Ribery
all time icons: Michel Platini, Didier Six (only footballer ever named after Blossom's best mate).
sex symbol: Martine Carol
fashion musts: Beret.
history: Greatest moment ever when Bryan Robson headed a goal against them after 20 odd seconds in the 1982 World Cup.

15: Germany odds 4/1

To be honest, despite our odd historical differences, the only real reason we have The Hun so far down this list is the fact they've already won so much in footballing terms.

Surely they are now crap, however, and we can't have them winning something else with such a rubbish team.

They'll be all Teutonic efficiency again and if it goes to penalties then we all know what's going to happen though.

reasons for supporting Germany
current player to be in the park: Michael Ballack
all time icons: Gerd Muller, Uwe Seeler (the German Pop Robson).
sex symbol: Claudia Schiffer
fashion musts: Hairy Armpits (for the women).
history: Win far too often for their own good and don't seem to let the fact that they have a crap side stop them either. Supremely confident/arrogant, surely we all want to see them get knocked out in a penalty shootout. Unless you've backed them of course.

16: Turkey odds 33/1

Yes, there you have it, the last team we would like to see winning the competition. There doesn't seem to be any special reason why you would want the Turks to win and there is still the question of whether they are actually European anyway.

Aren't in a bad group, though, so progress is not impossible.

reasons for supporting Turkey
current player to be in the park: Yildiray Basturk
all time icons: ?
sex symbol: ?
fashion musts: A knife?
history: Always thought they were an Asian country.