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We've had to bow to the pressure of our columnists Norbert & Piranhafish to let them indulge their fantasy of creating their ultimate female 11 - Of girls they fancied when they were younger. Rules were laid down as follows in our Pub Chat area: 1. Selections must come from celebrities they fancied as lads (late 70's to early 80's). Let battle commence - scroll down for the team sheets:
Piranhafish's Fantasy team: "Percy's Poseurs" 1: Sarah Dallin (Bananarama). Blonde, leggy Sarah was actually the one I fancied least out of Bananarama but she's come with the other two and my regular keepers not made it (you know what Sunday mornings are like) so I'll give her a go in the pegs, even though she's not signed on. The Fun Boy Three were taking some pot shots at her before we went to get changed and she looked the business. She can keep her dungarees on being in the nets as well which will keep her happy whereas I'll get to see the other two in the Babooshka outfit. Quality.
2: Carling Bassett Ahhhh, "Darling Carling". Long before Anna Kournakova came on the scene we had this Canadian stunner prancing round the baseline. She can slot in at right back because she passes well down the line and it will keep the ballboys happy. Horny little bastards. Always handy to have in the squad as she normally brings a few crates of her Daddy's lager with her. Good girl. ***** ***** 3: Kathy Rinaldi
Another tennis beauty. I fell in love with Kathy when she had to play the scary Pam Shriver at Wimbledon when she was about 4 and a half years old. She was getting pasted and a bee stung her. You could tell she wanted to cry but she didn't. Later on she developed thighs like Kenny Sansom though, so she should be fine at left back. Noted for a two handed backhand which should put off most wingers.
4: Nadia Comaneci (Romanian Gymnast). Nadia gets to play the holding role in midfield. She's going to be technically excellent coming from Eastern Europe and will probably start taking people out for fun if it cuts up rough. Will want to get forward and score as well so she can show off her goal celebrations which are going to make Lomano Lua-Lua look like Frankenstein's Monster. Nadia is also the captain of the Poseurs and "No dear, your bum doesn't look big in that."
5: Kate Bush (Wierd Singer). She's turned up in a nice flowing gown but she's getting changed into her Babooshka outfit (the team kit) and she's about to turn nasty. She probably doesn't understand the rules but I reckon she's a natural man marker and will be putting in little pulls and tugs all over the place with those freaky arms. Just win it and give it to Nadia, Kate. Sorted.
6: Pamela Armstrong (Newsreader). Pamela is intelligent and obviously reads it well so she's the ideal woman to have behind the erratic Bush. Pamela looks so sweet and innocent you just know she's got a mean streak. Anyone coming past her is getting taken out and slyly stamped on. On the refs blind side of course.
7: Clare Grogan (Scottish Pop Sprite). Being an elfin like young wannabe singer growing up in Scotland Clare must have modelled herself on either Lulu or Jimmy Johnstone. In that case she's on the right hand side. Clare showed no interest in football in the film Gregory's Girl but training with Partick Thistle must stand her in good stead to take out Norbert's team. Unless he's got Alan Rough in the nets of course.
8: Woman From Amazulu (Pop Singer). Never underestimate the woman from Amazulu, whoever she was. They made one of the best records of the 80's which was, literally, Too Good To Be Forgotten. She also has about 40 mates in the band and they sound like a hooligan "firm" so if it kicks off we're sorted. She's playing the attacking midfielder role because it is just possible that she is Hope Powell.
9: Alison Bettles Alison Bettles, or Jailbait as I've nicknamed her, was always a prolific striker in the Grange Hill hockey team when playing Fay Lucas so she should know where the nets are. She also has more than a passing resemblance to Gary Shaw so that bodes well. Strikes me as a bit of a babbyhanger who doesn't do much but comes off with a hat trick. Get in.
10: Jay Aston (Bucks Fizz girl). Bit of a loose cannon, but should be a good partner for Bettles. I see Ms. Aston as a bit of a Sheringham/Le Tissier combination. Strong, good in the air, holds it up well and can score spectacular goals. Often out of nothing Norbert. One to watch but she's not taking the penalties. That's Nadia's responsibility. 11: Dana Plato What you talking about Norbert? Will do a job down the left hand side with a trademark cheery grin on her face and will be a staunch supporter of the Lets Kick Racism Out Of Football campaign. Or "Racism Out, Midgets In" as she prefers to call it.
Only problem could be if she gets too emotional at the minutes silence we'll have to hold to commemorate her own death before kick off. Subs: Joanne Cattrall and Suzanne Sulley:(Human League girls). Should be in the starting line up but I like to have them warming the bench. "Don't You Want Me, Percy?" they'll be asking throughout the first half and in so many ways the answer is yes but they'll have to wait for their chance and then it's up to them to do the business. I just love their broad Yarkshire accents as well. Might be difficult to concentrate on the game.
Keren Woodward and Siobhan Fahey:(Bananarama). Too pissed to start and they've brought the big inflatable bananas so we need them in the crowd. They kind of hate each other as well so they'll have to warm up down opposite sides of the pitch to avoid it kicking off. Fahey would give her a right kicking as well which would lead to my keeper legging it over to help and we might be vulnerable to a counter attack. I'll have to keep an eye on that one.
Janet Ellis: (Blue Peter Presenter). Janet might get on early if her bizarre voice starts to irritate me too much. Quite big hind-quarters on her has Janet. She might be useful on goal kicks otherwise they probably won't be clearing the penalty area. Food for thought, Percy. Lisa York: (Fay's Grange Hill Mate). Lisa was the one I really fancied in Grange Hill but despite being Fay's mate, I think her character was called Julie, she never got any storylines and hardly ever said anything. Should be good for a cameo role from the bench then. Looked good in her leggings on the Just Say No video but I'm not sure what that's got to do with football. Playing in a diamond formation because, as every manager worth his salt knows, diamonds are a girls best friend. Bring it on Wartle.
Team selection for Nobby's Foxy Divas1. Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) It has to be said that Wonder Woman has got to be the ideal choice in the nets; tall, agile and a safe pair of hands, plus a golden lariat to boot if she needs it in a sticky situation. Just look at her, she looks ready to pounce in the photo. If any of Percy's girls get a bit rough in and around the box, she'll be able to handle them. I seem to remember that she could jump rather high as well. Obviously, the kit that Ms Woman is wearing is the kit of choice for Nobby's Foxy Divas. Just wait 'til you see it on the number 9 - It'll keep you "up" all night.
2. Suzi Quatro (Original Rock Chick) She's made to be a full back, and can play on either flank. She's only a midget, but she's going to get stuck in. Suzi's a bit of a Tomboy, so she'll not be afraid of getting a grazed knee. You're getting no change from Suzi. Suzi Q also swings a mean bass guitar, and should be half decent at throw-ins as well. If she turns up on a motorbike in her leathers, she might frighten a few of PP's team, as I imagine they might be a bit girlie. As an added bonus, if the team bus breaks down, Suzi will know how to change the spark plugs.
3. Toyah Willcox (Mad Punk Woman) I read a few years back that she's got more toes on one of her feet than the other, so we'll play her on her most digited side. Quatro will have to lump it.
4. Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) By now the opposition must be shitting themselves. Ripley is team Captain and has got to be the perfect centre half, she's about 6' - 4", and must be a threat at corners. It's not right that such a manly woman should be so attractive, but we all know it's true. If you deny it, I'll go and tell her. Only problem is, she may get carded early doors, especially if she's brought the flamethrower along, and she may react erratically to refereeing decisions.
5.Sade (Smooth Operator) Given the confidence of having plenty of protection at the back, Sade is in for her sexy football. She can sweep up behind Ripley if anything get's past, but she's going to be class stepping out from the back. Just when you thought we were all about aggression & physicality, Sade shows you the beautiful side of our game. The female Des Walker.
6. Nolan Sister I've picked this one because she's the one I fancied most, but she was also the one that busted most moves on the stage. Excellent stamina in centre mid, and with her high kicking stage routine has got to be a threat in the box. Also, she's bringing along 17 sisters who are all worth a spot on the bench.
7. Rizzo (Grease strumpet) Wella, wella, wella, oomph... Runnin' the show. More of a defensive midfielder, I think, allowing Nolan to get forward at whim. In another side she would undoubtably be Captain material, but even Riz is not messing with Ripley. She's going to put herself about big style, and she's got the best ball control on the pitch. If you know what I mean.
8. Susan Stranks (Kids T.V Presenter) Just sheer class. In fact if she's in the Wonder Woman kit, I'm dragging her off at half time to sit next to me. She is a utility woman and can play anywhere, but I've got her right mid to start with. Stranksy is a creative force to be reckoned with, in fact she's going to be running rings, paper chains, sticky back plastic e.t.c around everyone.
9. Debbie Harry(Blonde) First of two loose cannons up front, (or two of four if they're not wearing their sports bras). The Debster is going to be closely marked, and may not get space to express herself. May be difficult to get through to when the half time team talk comes around, but could be capable of anything. If she comes dressed like that, she can do what the freaking hell she likes. Harry is going to be unpredictable, but all good strikers are aren't they?
10. Annabella Lwin (Mad bird in "Bow Wow Wow") Loose cannon number 2. If they weren't scared by Ripley, Lwin will do the trick. I think she's probably still got the mohican (she had it long before Beckham dabbled with it).
The original scary spice, Annabelle has been eating raw meat for a month in preparation for this game. She does look like she is going to be absolutely brilliant at footy as well. She's going to be banging them in from all over the park. Just go wild in the country Anna. I had to put 2 pictures of Annabella in, to show that she really is fit, and not just scary.
11. Jenny Agutter (Top Totty) Agutter has got the legs to be a winger, and she's going to be bombing up and down the left, ghosting past all and sundry. I'm sure Piranafish's hatchet women will be after her, because she doesn't wear shinpads. But she's old school - a few lumps on the shin aren't going to bother our Jenny, a true professional. Somehow, and I don't know how she does it, she seems to shed more and more clothes as the game goes by. Quality. Subs: Reckon you've got a team to rival our boys? Just use the thingy below to upload your own team of Celebrities. We'll give you your own webpage to tell the world how good your Fantasy Celebrity 11 is. Now, we know a lot of you are going to get excited when thinking about this, but try to keep it clean. If you start using words like bumhole, we're going to have to ban you! Likewise if you put in a team full of mingers. Anyone naming Cilla Black will be well and truly named & shamed. Have Your Say - Write A Football Article
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